Twice as Hard

Summer is coming. No more sweaters, cardigans, heavy scarves, and thick pants to cover up anymore. I always feel half-way decent with how I look and how much I weigh when winter comes around. There is so much to cover you up! But summer is coming. I bought a cute pair of salmon-y shorts with my birthday money with the mindset -

"I'll look good in these once I lose weight before summer."

And then all of a sudden the months came that were supposed to be landmarks, progress points, and results. Nothing has changed, though. And summer is practically here! It's warm out now and I feel like I've got nothing to wear. I'm ashamed and embarrassed.

I was diagnosed with PCOS and part of that includes difficult to lose weight. This makes me so angry I could cry. The doctor said,

"You'll have to work twice as hard to see the same results as someone else."

I know life isn't fair but this is SO not fair. So. Not. Fair. AT ALL. Looking back - she's right. There's only been two times in my life that I've lost weight. The first time was after months on the track team my freshman year of high school. That was 2+ hours of jogging, sprinting, exercising six days a week for three months. It was SO HARD. I cried on the track more than once because I was so hot and so slow and SO sure I was about to go into cardiac arrest. I hated running and I hated it all - but it gave me results. The second time was the months prior to getting married. I ate one bowl of cereal for breakfast, one bowl of cereal for lunch, and a normal dinner. Hunger. Sucks. I ran then too but that wasn't as bad as forcing myself to be hungry.

My original plan was to save this as a draft and then post a bunch of past entries when I had some tangible "before" and "after" evidence - LOL. Tried that last summer, ended up deleting them all because the results never happened. Since only maybe three people will read this - I'm going to actually put it out there to keep me accountable. Because HOW EMBARRASSING would it be if those three people read this and then saw me give up again.


I Don't Get It

I read an article today saying that 'Frozen' has surpassed 'Toy Story 3' and is now the highest grossing animated film of all time. All I want to say is that I DON'T GET IT! I don't get all the hype! Sure, it was a fun movie but after watching I didn't think it was significantly better, worse, or different that Tangled. They are both lovely movies with fun music, good messages, and lovable characters. So why is Frozen getting SO much more obsessively stuck in the heads of our toddlers, preteens, and BYU students alike? I. Don't. Get. It.

With all the hype, let us not forget from where we came. Before you loved Let it Go, you loved THIS song. Before you laughed over that snowman, you laughed over THIS comic relief character. Before Anna and Elsa's pretty braids was THIS freaking amazing braid (seriously though..).

Frozen is the highest grossing animated film? Surpassing THE LION KING?!? I can't even. I can't. Have you forgotten the most epic, intense, heartfelt, goosebump-inspiring, reclamation of the Pride Lands? #1 all time best dad in the world, Mufasa? "Remember who you are"??

Something I've learned from photography is that even though the pretty pictures are the ones that people like to look at and are the ones that people will buy, it doesn't make them the best. The pictures focusing on current topics or controversial subjects will get the most attention, too. But it's the picture with FEELING that will stick with you forever. The one that invokes real emotion, questions, and self-reflection. Movies.. books.. any art has that power. There were more emotions in this one scene than most movies contain throughout the whole. That is one great movie, I'll tell you.

There is SO much good art and good film out there - let's love more than Frozen.


This VS That

I've only photographed "real models" twice (no, that's my sister above, not a model). And I don't like it. It is a combination of intimidating and unsatisfying. For models, having their picture taken IS THEIR JOB. There is no emotional connection to the photograph I take of them, it's just a pretty picture and probably isn't as good as another image another photographer has taken or will take of them in the future. It doesn't really mean much. But wedding photography has feelings. Photographing people with their loved ones has feelings.

I've teared up at nearly every wedding I've shot (the daddy-daughter dance and during toasts, to be exact). It is honestly a privilege to be there and to know that the pictures I take are THE wedding pictures that their children will have and their grandchildren will have (theoretically - the digital generation puts some question on that but you know what I mean).

My train of thoughts as of late has consisted of... "I just want to graduate and do my own thing all the time! All the weddings! All the love!" > "OMG why does it have to take so long to get a degree?" > "I'm not nearly done. I should just get an associates in photography." > "But I already have an associates! Two associates degrees is just silly." > "BS Degree in Visual Arts? BFA in Photo? SO MANY YEARS." > "I should just drop out." > "I don't feel like it's socially acceptable to drop out of school and not hold a 'real job' in Provo unless you're preg." >"School is taking away my time from my career choice. So why am I in school." > "Security. You need a bachelor's degree for job security, right? Because WHAT IF." > "I don't know what to do."

*repeat ten zillion times a day*